My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
