Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
birth control should be required to get into college
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
