ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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