but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
