I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
