Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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