Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
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I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
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That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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