wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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