u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
