I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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