Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.