whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
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Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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