Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
