Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.