i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
