So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
