I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
