just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
