I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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