My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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