TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.