What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
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Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
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you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.