that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
