Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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