Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
