Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
