My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
