I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
