Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
