i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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