I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
