If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
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