I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
