I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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