I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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