The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
