shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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