Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
