why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
did i just pee glitter
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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