turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
