saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
