sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
is wine microwaveable?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Randomize
