Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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