being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
