Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
