we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
