dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
