apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
