It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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