the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
