he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
