I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
