piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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