I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Is her dick bigger than yours?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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