dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
They have beer where we have blood.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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