Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
