god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
