I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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