just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
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