YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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