Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
