My liver just broke up with me...
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
