Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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