He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
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I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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