wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
