dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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